So, this time, I’m going to talk not about how horrible 2020 has been, but the two awesome things that did happen to me during it: Bits Out and Braces Out.
WARNING: I’m about to get deep into some “lady part” communication, so if you don’t really care about that sort of thing, move along.
Let’s rewind to June of 2019. I was in Glenwood Springs having a lovely getaway with a girlfriend when just a mere hour or so into the trip, I experienced crippling menstrual cramps like I never had before. I usually get some each month, but with one dose of Midol, I’m back in action.
This time, not so much. I honestly thought we needed to find a hospital (which, in the mountains, isn’t so easy). After taking Midol and food, I felt better, but every six hours to the minute, when the Midol wore off, I felt horrible again. I took every dose of Midol that weekend that I had with me for about two solid days.
That’s not right.
The following month, I had the same thing happen. I was in Rochester visiting family and again, the cramps came on fast and furious and made me feel just terrible. I took Midol for two solid days.
So, I go to the doctor and get an ultrasound and an MRI. Both tests conclude that I have an endometrial cyst on one ovary and that the ovary is enlarged. No one seemed concerned at all, though, and my doctor told me to stop consuming soy products, suspecting that soy was causing me to have this cyst. She then said to come back for another ultrasound in December to see if the cyst has dissolved, stayed the same or gotten worse.
After July, though, my cycle returned to normal (I did stop the soy), so I didn’t bother going back for another $350 procedure. I felt fine.
Fast forward to July of 2020 and fit hit the shan again. Boom, I got the same debilitating cramps. I literally was sitting on the couch in pyjamas with a hot pad on my abdomen the entire weekend. (Luckily it was a weekend, otherwise I would’ve had to take sick time because the pain was so constant that it just drained me.) And y’all know it’s not like me to sit on the couch for a whole weekend, much less a whole evening!
So, back to the doctor again, and yes, got that second ultrasound. The findings were the same, if not slightly worse: a decent-sized endometrial cyst on my enlarged left ovary. This time, she sent me to the GYN.
I go to the gynecologist on July 29, 2020, a day that will live in infamy. She takes one look at the report and images and goes, “Yeah, it’s endometriosis, it’s bad. We have to at least take that ovary with the cyst on it.” Oh??
She was the first person to bother explaining to me what endometriosis is: basically, the uterine lining that women shed each month acts all wonky and goes wherever it wants: it can attach itself to the outside of the utereus and ovaries, go back up the falopian tubes into the ovaries and stick to other locations down there. Ah, ok, interesting. So my bits are malfunctioning? Cool!!
How does one rectify this? Removal. I’m sorry, what? You mean that after 30 years of dealing with this bullsh!t, I can finally get my wish and have BITS OUT???
Yup. At a minimum, the ovary with the cyst. Logic would dictate, however, that if the utereus is the malfunctioning component, that that also should be removed. But of course, they want to take as few bits as possible for both health/recovery reasons and hormone reasons. She wouldn’t know for sure how bad it was or how much she had to remove until she got in there. On one hand, taking just the offending parts means I still menstruate and have all the hormones, but the endometriosis could continue and I’d be back in surgery again in a few years to ultimately take it all out. On the other hand, if she takes everything, I will go through medically induced menopause at 44 and possibly need hormone therapy. Oh, gee, tragic. I have argued for 30 years that taking a freaking pill or getting a shot once in a while is infinitely better than said female bullsh!t.
What was interesting is that she asked me all sorts of questions about other types of pain I had–which yes, I had–and did an exam that introduced suspicions that indeed, the endometriosis was in other areas than just the cyst. For example, I’ve had stabbing pain before having to go to the bathroom for YEARS, as well as random duller pains in my lower right abdomen. She couldn’t confirm or deny what ultimately needed to be done, but her reactions during this appointment led me to believe that it would be full BITS OUT.
I basically told her point blank that I want it ALL GONE. She sortof agreed that she could do that regardless of how bad things were down there. So, we booked the surgery for her first available time, which was August 18, 2020, at 1pm.
I came home crying with EFFING JOY.
Of course, taking time off in 2020 means that I get to be overworked and stressed out leading right up to it. July and August were the start of being extremely busy, which ended…oh wait, it HAS NOT. I was beyond exhausted and overwhelmed, so there was no time to even think about the surgery much less be afraid of it. Everyone around me was freaking out at me having to have “major surgery”, but honestly, I was so frickin excited about both the surgery and the awesome vacation that followed that I could not have cared less. Why get worked up about it? I’m having the surgery whether I want it or not, so there’s no point getting scared or anxious about it. (I had never been in a hospital prior to this.)
The day of, I had to get up at around 8 in order to do all the prep they wanted me to do: drink some random stuff, shower with special soap, etc. JC and I drove to the hospital, checked in sitting there alone with our masks on, and waited.
I filled out the paperwork and then we were taken to the pre-op room. They took one final pregnancy test (hahahahahahahah), I changed into my format attire and they gave me the IV needle and a happy pill. There I sat chilling out while the nurse, anesthesiologist and my gynecologist all came to visit me to ask me if I had any questions. Nope. My gynecologist was the one performing the surgery, and when she visited me, she told me that despite my wishes for BITS OUT, she was definitely only going to take that one ovary if possible. At that point, I’m lying there minutes away from surgery, so what can I say? Sure, fine, whatevs lady.
JC left, they wheeled me into surgery and that’s all I know. I woke up thinking I just dozed off for a minute and the nurse told me the procedure was all over with. Damn! That’s a surgery I can get behind! I missed the WHOLE thing. I never saw the anesthesiologist, I never counted backwards, nothing. I was out well before all that happened!
I stayed down in the post-op recovery area for about an hour (the surgery took two) and then was taken to my room where JC was already sitting. We ordered me some food before the cafeteria closed at 7:30pm, JC sat with me texting and calling friends and family to update them, and we hung out until around 9pm.
When my gynecologist came to check on me, she told me that it was “really bad” and that yes, she did a complete hysterectomy. TOLD YOU SO!!
I wasn’t really nauseous from the anesthesia. I was in pain, but honestly it was tolerable. I had GREAT nurses care for me throughout the night. Of course I didn’t sleep much because they kept coming in to check vitals and give me drugs every few hours. It was just nice to lie there and rest!! I honestly loved my overnight stay. It was too short. 🙂
So I stayed just that one night, Tuesday to Wednesday. Wednesday morning I ate some more, tried to go to the bathroom by myself, and took a short walk around the floor with one of the nurses. JC was there with me and I seemed to be doing really well according to the nurses. We had to wait to leave until my gynecologist came to check on me and authorize my discharge.
This time, she brought PHOTOS. Yes, she took photos during the procedure.
I will spare you them, but two things stuck out from them:
1. The size differential of the ovaries. The enlarged one was around 5 times the size of the other one. Yikes. I bet that was the cause of so much of my pain!!
2. Said ovary with the cyst was also STUCK to my abdominal wall. She had to scrape it off. OUCH.
Anyhoo, I came home and spent a week and a half (yes, that’s all this stubborn Polak took off for “major” surgery) sitting on the couch and sleeping. Prior to the surgery I set up a “vacation station” with a TV tray and lots of activities. I was SO excited to be able to do things like watch TV, read, catch up on YouTube videos I wanted to watch, attend a class, make some cards, etc. It was epic. And of course, I didn’t get anywhere near done what I wanted to. (Yes I know, supposed to be recovering, blah blah.)
Luckily, my in-laws had equipment from when my mother-in-law had her knees replaced that I was able to borrow and use to get around. I needed big-time help getting off of the couch and out of bed, so I kept the walker handy. We also installed these nifty railings onto the toilet so I could get off of it. It’s the little things, ya know?
So, I enjoyed my time on the couch. I attended a scrapbooking event and made a card kit…
I also got a bad-ass coloring book from a friend that I had fun with.
And lovely gifts and cards including a delicious Edible Arrangement from my parents.
Within a week I was able to bend down a bit. In two weeks, I was almost fully recovered. My incisions healed well, my follow-up visits with the GYN went well and within three weeks I was starting to take little walks around the neighborhood. I no longer have ANY of the random pains I used to have.
But you know what?
I still don’t believe it happened.
I know that’s weird to say since there is obvious physiological evidence that I no longer have my bits…but I keep thinking that at any moment now, I will get my period!
At the same time, DAMN has it been niiiicceee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now the hot flashes are starting….!$^&?
Less Exciting Braces Out
OK so three weeks later, I got my braces removed. They were actually supposed to be taken off in early August, but my jackwagon dentist shut down entirely during COVID in April and I could not get my subsequent sets of braces for a month.
There was actually a process to get closure on the braces, because while the appointment was quick and easy to get the nubbins removed, they jacked up making the molds for my nightguard THREE TIMES. Which also involved me driving to THREE DIFFERENT OFFICES to get wrong nightguards.
So, thank God that’s over! I’m very happy with how my teeth look and I have to wear the nightguard at night to prevent further damage from clenching, so all is good there (that was the reason I fixed my teeth; they were shifting from the clenching).
It also took me quite a while to realize that I can eat anything, drink anything, at any time! No more running to the bathroom before dinner at home and no more cowering in a restaurant booth to pop them out quickly because I was too lazy to find the bathroom. No more carrying around a toothbrush and toothpaste pellets in my pants when I travel or having to deny little random snacks here and there because it’s too much of a pain to take them out. Weee!!!!
